


Hit from above

by justme (silver_spring)



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Awkward Boners, Expanded, F/M, Not Serious, chatfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-22 10:59:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11378808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silver_spring/pseuds/justme
Summary: It's Ladies Night at Brienne's and they're just goofing around. Until one water balloon hits the wrong target.





	Hit from above

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fic that came from a thought in JB chat. We ran with it, expanded on it and I took it upon myself to write out that expansion. Thanks to BDM, DanyelN, Ruby_eyes, GumTree and mgsmurf for being involved in the brainstorming :)

"Why should we even do this?" Brienne asked as Margaery was tying up yet another special water balloon, this one a bright purple color.

"Because..I'm still going through the longest dry spell known to mankind and having this expired box of condoms lying around in my bedside drawer only reminds me of it every time I open the damn thing to get my Red Viper out for a little relaxation" Her friend replied, putting the water condom into Brienne's laundry basket to join his two dozen brothers.

"I don't want to know anything about your relaxation time! You could just throw them away. In the trash, I mean. Not over my balcony" She tried to intervene once more.

"This way I get something out of having bought them. We can yell all the names of our loser dates that didn't lead anywhere when we throw 'em. It'll be fun. And cathartic."

Throwing water filled condoms over her balcony rail wasn't exactly Brienne's idea of fun, but Margaery seemed determined and Sansa, as always, had been immediately on her side. Yara had been indifferent about the whole thing, seeing as she was not into men and therefore throwing condoms didn't do much for her in terms of 'bad date - exorcism', but that meant she wasn't exactly against it either. Maybe the whole idea was funnier when you were half-drunk, which Brienne wasn't.

"Why does it have to be my balcony?"

She didn't even want to imagine the embarrassment if one of her neighbors saw her do this. Or even worse, if Stannis, the head of the "environmental committee" saw them and made them go down to pick up the litter. He would be giving her the stink eye for at least a month and he'd just stopped doing it two weeks ago from the last time she'd violated one of his many, many rules.

"It's your turn to host girl's night. Plus, I don't have a balcony" Margaery shrugged, picking up the laundry basket and carrying it to the living room. "Girls, grab your bombs!"

"Be quick about it, then" Brienne finally relented, seeing as the first batch of 'weapons' was being picked up already and her friends were making their way outside.

"Yeah yeah. You need to lighten up, Brie! We're not aiming at anything, just smash those suckers on the pavement, okay? I'll pick them up when I leave, no harm done, it's just water after all. Sansa? Let the music play! Yara, grab the champagne bottle!"

"One step ahead of you" Yara grinned, taking a healthy swig straight from the bottle. Sansa ran back inside, pulled her phone out of her handbag and turned the volume all the way up, so that one of those generic upbeat popsongs filled the air around them.

"Wanna do the honors? It's your balcony."

"Definitely not."

"Suit yourself. Okay...I dedicate this first throw to the terrible Royce Robar. Horrible date, and the beginning of the non-existence of my sex life!"

Taking a quick look downstairs to see that the coast was clear, Marge drew back her arm and threw the condom with all her might. It didn't fly very far and burst on the pavement below them with a loud splat.

"Woohooo! Who's next?"

The next few minutes pretty much were a back-and-forth of Marge and Sansa tossing a condom, yelling the name of some guy they'd been out with in the past, why they sucked and taking a swig of champagne, and eventually even Yara said "Fuck it" and threw one while Brienne kept looking left and right to check that indeed no one was coming and no one saw them.

"We're down to the last one. This one is yours, Brienne!" Marge said, holding out the last condom.

"I'm good. Just throw the damn thing and let's get back inside."

"Oh come on, you have to! It's..us bonding" Sansa chimed in.

"We've been friends for years now, we're bonded."

"Come on, don't be a party pooper. Think of that rat bastard Hyle Hunt and throw the thing."

Hyle had been her own unfortunate and recently only date. He'd been polite, the restaurant they'd gone to had been nice and it had been a quite pleasant evening until he'd asked for the bill and told her they'd have to fuck at her place, because his roommate would never let him live down bringing home a woman with her looks. At her shocked stare he'd simply shrugged and continued in a reassuring voice that he really didn't care once the lights were off. At which point Brienne had dumped the rest of her cider on him and stormed out.

"Ooh yes! Hyle C-U-Next-Tuesday! Do it, do it!"

"Brienne, Brienne, Brienne!"

"Honestly, I don't have to--"

"Catch!"

Margaery just threw the condom at her in a wide and slow toss. Brienne fumbled to catch it and threw it right back at her friend who in turn threw it at Yara. A short game of catching and tossing ensued until Brienne didn't manage to safely catch the wobbly condom coming from Sansa and it slipped out of her grip again to tumble over the railing.

"Ooops" Marge giggled.

Brienne hadn't even managed to hurry to the railing and take a look, when they already heard a very loud and very angry..

"What the fuck?!"

Peering down, she saw a blonde man in a drenched suit standing right under her balcony on the sidewalk. He wiped water from his face and for a moment, looked around before he realized that the attack on him had come from above. A moment that all of her traitorous friends had used to duck beneath the balcony railing, leaving only Brienne standing there. Sansa was tugging on her shirt, urging her to duck down as well. But it was too late for that. The guy was already glaring at her.

"You son-of-a---!"

With wide eyes, Brienne saw him turn to her building and march angrily into the direction of the entrance. He wasn't gonna come up here, was he?

"Turn that music off, Sansa!"

"Relax Brienne. It's not like he knows us. There are like 20 apartments in this building."

"Turn it off anyway. We're done here" She replied in a no-nonsense tone she rarely used.

Sansa got up from the floor and silenced her phone. Grabbing the empty laundry basket, Brienne marched back into her apartment, listening intently for any noise from the hallway in front of her door.

She didn't have to wait long. Apparently, even in a building with 20 apartments it wasn't all that hard to find hers and it wasn't three minutes later when there was pounding on her door that didn't let up.

"We don't have to open" Sansa whispered.

"Yeah, he'll go away" Marge agreed.

"Or kick in the door" Yara deadpanned.

Brienne looked from one girl to the other. Then she shook her head and walked over to her front door. This had been an accident, and an apology surely would clear everything up. Besides, him being angry was understandable and even an accidental mistake was one that she was going to own up to. It was simply the right thing to do.

"Don't! Brie!"

Ignoring the whispered hiss in her back, Brienne opened the door. In front of her, his fist raised for another round of bangs against her door, stood the livid looking man she'd accidentally dropped her water balloon..err..water condom..on. And of course, because the Gods hated her, he was gorgeous. After all, it was always extra special to make an idiot out of oneself in front of someone attractive, right? His blonde hair was plastered to his forehead, his green eyes were blazing and the shirt he was wearing under his suit was sticking to his well-defined chest underneath the wet and opened jacket.

"Ser, I'm terri--" Brienne tried to begin her apology, but didn't get very far before angry hot guy interrupted her.

"Listen you fucke---Gods, you're a woman!" He exclaimed.

Brienne looked down at herself. She hadn't dressed up for girl's night seeing as it took place in her apartment and was only wearing an old t-shirt and jeans shorts, but mistaking her for a man? Then again, he'd only seen her from below and from the distance of five floors and the balcony railing had hidden the lower part of her body. In all honesty, she couldn't even claim that this particular misunderstanding had never happened to her before.

"Of course she's a woman, what are you, blind?" Yara called from behind her.

"I could've been! Who knows what you put into those balloons!" he fired back with a quick glance towards her friends, before his green eyes focused on Brienne again, giving her a second once-over, his gaze taking a long break on her bare legs.

"Drama queen" Sansa muttered, however not quiet enough for her not to be understood.

"Shut it, Aunt Flo. I'm entitled to being angry and you know it!"

"Hey! Don't insult her!" Marge shouted before turning to Sansa, "Your hair is beautiful, sweetie."

"Or what? You gonna drop another water balloon on me?"

"No, but we can kick you in t--" Yara began.

"Everyone, calm down!" Brienne called loudly, looking back and forth between the guy and her friends before her gaze settled on him. "Ser, we're really sorry."

"That's nice, but is it gonna make my 2000 dragon suit magically dry again? I don't think so. This is a custom-tailored Forel, fyi."

Even for someone as disinterested in fashion as she was, that name rung a bell with Brienne. She felt her pulse go up. He wasn't gonna sue her for a new suit just out of spite, was he? If he could afford that kind of clothes, he must have been rich. Which she wasn't.

"It was an accident, we didn't mean to hit you. My friend had these.. condoms and we..I..we're sorry."

"Throwing condoms over the balcony?" He snickered. "What are you, the tallest five year old in the world?"

"We were just..having fun. And it's just water. It won't even stain."

"Just because you obviously don't have no use for condoms--"

"Hey!" Yara growled, but Brienne had this herself.

"Ser, I understand that you're angry, but insulting me is not necessary nor will I tolerate it."

"Who's insulting you? I'm not insulting you, I'm just saying you're obviously not using them if you throw them over the balcony instead. Trust me, you'll know when I'm insulting you.. wench." He ended with a grin.

"I am not a wench!"

"Whatever. But just so you know, you're gonna pay for my dry cleaning."

"It's just water!"

"I don't care. It's the principle of the whole thing."

"It's fine Brie. I'll pay for it" Margaery spoke up, getting her check book from her purse.

"Brie? What kind of name is that? Were your parents overly fond of cheese?"

"They were not. It's short for Brienne." And why had she told him that?!

"Well, Brienne.." He drawled, trying the name out. "Is this your apartment?"

"What? Err..yes?" Brienne stammered, cursing her inability to lie.

"Good. You're a giant, you must have clothes that fit me. Gimme, because I'm not walking home like this."

"I--"

"Instead of paying for my dry cleaning. But don't even think about giving me a fucking dress."

"I--"

"If you even own a dress."

"I'm not giving you any of my clothes!"

"You can use your friend's check to buy yourself a new outfit. Since the ensemble you're currently wearing strongly indicates that you shop at thrift stores, it'll be practically enough for a whole wardrobe."

Brienne glared at the guy that in reply merely smirked, leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest.

"I'm serious, wench, I'm not leaving like this."

Though he didn't sound all that angry anymore she was so very tempted to slam the door close, but he'd probably just start knocking again and this time demand her to stomach the bill for his rhinoplasty or something.

"Want me to call the cops on his ass?" Yara asked.

Brienne shook her head. She just wanted this over with. All of it. Girl's night was so gonna be over once this man was dealt with. And, so she vowed to herself, it was never gonna take place in her apartment again.

"Just..follow me."

Leading the guy into her bedroom, Brienne went to the closet, pulling out the oldest pair of sweatpants she owned and a novelty t-shirt she'd gotten on a trip to DragonWorld.

"So this is where the magic doesn't happen, huh?" He commented, looking around.

"Get changed and leave." Brienne replied icily, putting the clothes on a chair in the corner.

"What? No privacy? You just gonna stand here and watch?"

It actually sounded like he was enjoying this.

"Wha--No!" she exclaimed, whirling around, eyes wide.

"Cause I don't have a problem with that." He shrugged, taking off the jacket and beginning to unbutton the shirt. Yep, he was definitely enjoying this. Even that damn smirk was back.

"Ugh!"

Practically fleeing from her own bedroom, Brienne slammed the door close behind her. Sansa, Yara and Margaery were peering around the corner of the livingroom's doorway.

"What happened?"

"Are you okay?"

"Did pretty boy try something? Need me to rough him up for you?"

"Nothing happened. Yes, I am. No. Just...go back inside. He'll be gone in a moment, and if you don't mind I'd like to be alone then."

"Shouldn't you be in there with him? What if he steals your stuff?" Sansa whisper-hissed.

"The guy is wearing a 2000 dragon suit, I don't think he'll be interested in Brienne's collection of tattered books."

"But what if he's a klepto, Marge? Rich people can be kleptos too. On Red Keep Diaries there was an episode--"

"Gods Sansa, you need to lay off the soap opera binge watching."

"Soap opera? More like soft porn."

"It's done very tastefully, thank you Yara."

"Can we all agree that this is not an episode of your getting-in-the-mood program?"

"Fine. Make fun of me. But if half of Brie's jewelry is gone once this guy has left, I reserve the right to say I told you so."

"What jewelry? She doesn't wear any."

"Okay fine. But what if he's going through her panties drawer?"

Brienne's eyebrows rose to high she could practically feel them touch her hairline. She hadn't even considered that! Maybe she should check to see the guy wasn't doing something weird. Rapping against the door, she thought she heard an answering grunt and twisted the knob, to open the door halfway. And froze.

The guy had stripped down to his boxers and was scrutinizing one of the two dresses Brienne owned, that had been hidden way back in her closet because it was too short and too pink, a remains of a costume party way back when that she'd just never thrown away. But that wasn't even the worst part. His boxer briefs were clearly tented as he was rubbing the fabric between his fingers.

"You pervert!" she yelled.

The guy spun around, his own wide eyes going from Brienne to his crotch to the dress he was still holding on to and back again.

"This is not what it looks like, I swear it!"

"Get out!" She shouted, storming inside.

"I honestly didn--" He tried again, raising his hands in a placating manner, still holding the dress in one of them.

But Brienne wasn't listening. Grabbing pervert by the arm and his wet clothes with her free hand, she dragged him out of the room, down the hallway to the door and flung it open before she shoved him out, his crumpled expensive suit following immediately after.

"Knock on this door again and I *will* call the police!" she growled, bending down to throw the hideous pink dress he'd dropped by the door at him. It wasn't like she had been planning to ever wear it again and now it was forever tainted too.

"But--"

The slamming door cut off whatever he'd wanted to say and Brienne leaned against it from the inside, a disgusted look on her face.

"Did my eyes play a trick on me or did he have a boner over your dress?"

"Gross!"

"Well done, Brie!"

A polite knock came from the other side of the door.

"Wench? Brienne?`Can we talk about this? Come on." came from the hallway.

"Oh that's it. The police are on their way!" Brienne called back, bluffing.

"Your pervy ass is going to jail!"

"You can wear your new dress, sicko!"

"Dress-jerker!"

"That word didn't even make sense, Sansa."

"You know what I meant."

"I'm just saying you're making it sound as if he were giving the dress a rub."

"He did. In a way."

"Point taken."

"Shhh! I can't hear anything!"

Putting her ear against the door, Brienne listened intently for any noise. There was none. Opening the door a crack after a minute or two, she peered out into the hallway, but couldn't see anything. Finally, she opened the door all the way and stepped out. The hallway was empty.

"Guys..he's gone."

"Good."

"Talk about a walk of shame. I wanna see this!"

Running back to the balcony, the girls peered over the railing down onto the street. All they could see were the remains of the water balloon-condoms they'd thrown earlier. The guy must've run off as fast as he could. And who could blame him?

Having had a few minutes to come a bit more to terms with what had happened, Brienne felt somewhat bad. Pervert or not, she had just sent a man out on the streets of King's Landing in his underwear. It just had been so shocking, seeing him, with her clothes and..well, having an erection over them. Even when she had been knocking on the door, she hadn't really expected him to snoop through her underwear drawer and so seeing him do something even worse had been a double-whammy. He hadn't seemed the type for it. But, so Brienne guessed, this was just another proof that her radar for people wasn't all that great. Maybe he was one of those men that liked to wear women's clothing. Which was fine, as long as it weren't her clothes.

"You guys? I've had my fill of entertainment for tonight. Do you mind if girl's night ends here and now?" Brienne said as the others were walking back inside.

"You sure you want to be alone now? You just had a perv in your apartment."

"But he's gone now. And I'm fine. I just..want to have some peace and quiet."

"Well, if you're sure...but you call me if you need to talk or vent or..anything. Okay?"

"Okay. Thanks, Marge. And pick those condoms off the sidewalk. You promised."

"Yes, Miss Tarth. Alright, ladies: You heard her. We're out."

After more byes, promises to text and hugs her friends finally took off. Brienne threw herself on the couch, enjoying the silence and taking a deep breath. What an evening!

*

After having sat there for a while, she went to her bedroom to see if pervie had touched anything else of her stuff and whether she needed to deep-clean the room tonight. Everything was neat, the way it should've been, but she was going to give every surface a good scrub tomorrow night anyway. Walking over to the window to close the blinds, Brienne saw something by the chair out of the corner of her eyes. Probably the clothes she'd put out for the guy to wear. Only that the color wasn't right. She turned, took a closer look and saw that it was a crumpled piece of fabric. Bending to pick it up, she realized that it was the guy's jacket. And it had his keys in the left side pocket. Oh crap!

Brienne sat down on her bed for a moment to think. Well, he knew where she lived, so he could come back and pick it up any time. But since she'd threatened him with the police, who knew when that was going to be. Or if he'd send the cops her way instead which was something she so didn't need. And what if he lived alone and was now locked out of his house, wearing either still wet pants or a pink dress?

Grabbing the jacket yet again, Brienne put her hands into the other pockets. Maybe there was a receipt or anything with his name on it, so that she could call to tell him picking up his jacket was okay, no cops involved....which was stupid, since how the heck would he answer his phone if he couldn't get into his house?

Sliding her fingers into the inner pocket, Brienne found something. His wallet. This was getting worse and worse. He currently had no keys and no money? She quickly flipped it open and pulled out his driver's license that was easily to see through a plastic compartment to get his name and address.

Jaime Lannister. 221F Visenya Drive.

Damn, he lived in a pretty nice neighborhood. And double-damn, he was one of those people that managed to even look hot in a picture taken by a bored DMV employee.

Well, there was nothing for it. She would have to bring Jaime Lannister aka The Pervert his belongings. But she was not gonna go unarmed.

*

After changing her outfit and putting the still somewhat damp jacket into a plastic bag, Brienne had slid a small container of pepper spray in her back pocket and set off towards Visenya Drive. She had to circle the block a few times before a parking space became available and used the time to go through the plan again. Find his door, ring the bell, hand the plastic bag to whoever opened and get the hell out of there. If no one opened, she was just gonna put the bag in front of his door for him to find it or give it to a neighbor. Out of the two, she liked the second scenario a lot better, which was the first indicator that it was probably not gonna be that way.

Pulling her pepper spray out, just in case because one could never trust a perverted dress-toucher, Brienne entered the building and went in search of Jaime Lannister's apartment which she found easily enough. Taking a deep breath, she knocked. No reaction from inside. She decided to give it one more try and then try the neighbor's door. Knocking again, there was a shuffling noise, and the door swung open, revealing Jaime Lannister. Wearing his damp pants and holding her dress in his hand.

"You!" He exclaimed with wide eyes, seemingly making a movement towards her.

Brienne couldn't say if he startled her or if her finger simply slipped, but it didn't really matter anyway, since the result was the same. She pressed on the pepper spray's nozzle and released a healthy dose into the air between them.

Brienne dropped the canister and started coughing. Jaime started screaming.

"My eye!" He yelled. Dropping the dress, his hand came up to press against his right eye while he sort of folded as much into a ball as one could while standing.

"Oh Gods! I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!" Brienne repeated on loop inbetween coughs.

"Lady, are you nuts?!"

"I was just..your clothes..and you need your keys..and I..wanted to help..and--"

"Help? Help me with what? Getting handicapped parking from now on? I can't see shit!"

"I'm so sorry!"

"Gods, it burns!"

"You need to rinse it."

"No shit!"

"Well, what are you standing there then? Go wash out your eyes!" Brienne ordered, making a shooing gesture with her hands.

"The other one's all teared up as well. Damn! What have I ever done to you, woman? I wasn't doi---gah!"

He seemed as if he was about to drop on his knees any second now. It must have hurt something fierce. Brienne felt horrible.

"How can I help?"

"Any more of your 'help' will kill me, I'm sure of it."

"Mister Lannister, I only want to--"

"Oh for the love of the Seven, stop talking, just help me find my bathroom!"

He reached out with his left arm and blindly moved it around. Brienne grabbed it and, turning him around, entered the apartment.

"Last door on the right" Jaime instructed and so she took off, slowly leading him towards relief.

In the bathroom, she made him lean backwards over the sink and turned on the faucet. He hissed in pain as the water hit him.

"It should get better soon" Brienne tried to console him.

"Just don't drown me, wench."

"I am truly sorry, Ser. I don't even know how it happened" Brienne apologized again. She wasn't even going to comment on the 'wench'.

"Why did you even have that spray on you?"

"I..well, you have to admit that the impression I got of you tonight wasn't the best one, and I thought that maybe you might be angry and or perverted so I'd better arm myself. I mean, you were stroking my dress and your.." She trailed off, not being able to decide which word to use.

"I didn't have a hard-on over your dress."

"What?"

"That's what I was trying to tell you when you manhandled me, or womanhandled if you will, out of your apartment."

"Oh" Brienne let that sink in for a second, before another thought popped up in her head. "Then why were you still holding it just now when you opened the door?"

"I literally got in five minutes before you got here. I seem to somehow have misplaced my keys, you know?" He tried to wink under the stream of water and winced. Brienne couldn't help but smile a little. He looked cute, and now it seemed he wasn't a pervert after all, just a guy having a terrible, horrible, really bad, no good day.

"Had to call in a locksmith, pay him, get changed somewhat..I was just picking it up to put it away when you knocked. Trust me: I don't get all hot and bothered over pink polyester. Never have, never will. And while I'm sure it would suit me, I guess the chest hair would spoil the look."

But he did have an erection in her bedroom, so something must've gotten him all hot and bothered. Maybe he'd been looking for a better material?

"You did go through my closet, though."

"I guess I can't deny that."

"Why did you do that? Going through a complete stranger's closet?"

"Curiosity?" He shrugged. "I think you can turn the water off now, it feels a lot better."

Turning off the faucet, Brienne looked around for a towel and found one hanging nearby that she handed to him to dry off while he got up with a groan.

"Curiosity? It's rude, it's impolite, a complete invasion of my privacy and you deserved being kicked out on that alone."

"You weren't supposed to catch me in the act, if it makes any difference." He replied while rubbing the towel over his wet hair.

"It doesn't."

Putting the towel away, Jaime sighed.

"Look, was it wrong? Yeah, probably. Would I do it again? To be honest, yeah, probably. But I did not do it for a kick or to get off, so that's gotta count for something as well. I was just gonna check real quick to see if you had any dresses, because I imagine your legs would look killer in them."

"M-my legs?" Brienne stammered.

"Uh huh. They're amazing. And, I confess that imagining your endless legs on display in that pink little number may have gotten to my head, or my..other head, as it were, a little."

"I.." That boner had been because of her?! It was unbelievable.

"It was not intentional, it just happened. I'm a legs man and I have a great sense of imagination."

"Are you mocking me?"

"Why would I do that?" He asked, bewildered.

"I know I'm not attractive."

Jaime squinted his still red eyes and let his gaze slowly wander down her body.

"I know my eyesight is not 20/20 right now, but I beg to differ. You must know that you have a rocking body."

So far, Brienne thought, her body had never been called rocking. Mannish, ungainly, homely, even gargantuan on one occasion, but never that. But even if he thought so, body was one thing, face was another.

"I believe the term that is colloquially used by many men for women like me is.. butterface." She said, refusing to look away.

"Yeah? Well, I'm not 'many men'" Jaime replied with another shrug, holding her gaze. "I liked how your eyes blazed when you thought I had insulted you. And how red your cheeks got. Like they are right now." He smiled. "You must have realized that I was just trying to rile you up. As you said, it was just water."

"So you were only playing at being angry?"

"Oh when that water balloon hit me, I was plenty angry, trust me. But then I met this inexplicably cute wench and I couldn't stay mad. Now, my brother, he always tells me I completely suck at flirting, so I guess he's right." He chuckled. "New locks, glasses for my now weakened eyes..this is shaping up to be a quite expensive first date."

"Date?" Brienne repeated, flabbergasted.

"You do realize you practically have to go out with me to make up for..well, everything you put me through today?"

"Aren't you scared of more bodily harm coming your way?"

"Nah, not really. There's not a lot you can do to me in a public place. So how about it, Brienne: You, me, dinner...I even have this pink dress you can borrow.."

"Thanks, but pink is not my color."

"That we agree on. You should wear something blue, to compliment your eyes. I'm sure you can find something until tomorrow night, say 8?"

He stood there all self-assuredly, with a cocky grin on his well-shaped lips, but there was a hint of insecurity in his eyes and it was that more than anything else that made her reply..

"I'm sure I can."

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! :)


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